Communication

One of the ways I make it difficult for people to give me what I want is…

My difficulty in asking for what I want. In acknowledging that I have a right to want something different than another person if I want to have them in my life. In being so accepting of people that I accept less than I should, and ask more of myself to make up for the lack.

I also don’t always know what I want. I realize that in not asking, for so many years, maybe my whole life, and not being true to myself, that I’ve silenced that voice of Truth inside myself. I need to work to hear it and acknowledge it, and then to act upon it accordingly.

The scary thing about expressing what I want is…

That by wanting something different, I may be seen as “difficult”, “not a team player”, or somehow Other. I have very human, but unconventional needs sometimes, or at least that’s the impression I have. Wait…that I have created for myself. By carrying on and continuing relationships with people unwilling to give me what I need, much less what I want.

Also scary is the possibility of being told that what I want is “too much”, “impossible”, or “unreasonable”, a pretty common occurrence in my last relationship. I was shut down on so many fronts, seemingly at every opportunity, if what I wanted required more than a modicum of effort on his part. And he was my husband, the one who’s supposed to work as hard as I did to make the other happy. My individual sacrifices, of my dreams, my hopes, were derided and ignored. I forgot how to ask confidently.

Something I want and have difficulty asking for is…

The freedom to have my own feelings about things. The ability to stand in my own shoes and not stand in everyone else’s all the time. The opportunity to think of myself before others. The unconditional love I deserve as a woman and a partner.

What I would like more of is…

Genuine affection. Touch. Someone who thinks I’m amazing and is willing to do what it takes to get to know me better. More strength and awareness of what I truly want.

I feel loved and appreciated when…

My efforts are acknowledged, and I am thanked. I don’t do things for others unless I want to, and hearing that it has pleased the other person is a powerful incentive. When my motives aren’t questioned and someone sees me for what I intend, not what their psyche tells them is happening TO them, when it’s not about them at all. When someone speaks to me as an adult, an equal, respectfully and openly. When they don’t ear masks and they don’t fear the strength of my personality. I’ve been told I’m “a bit much”, but I’m learning not to care when someone says that to me, and only listen to people who say I’m “just right”. My conviction and confidence isn’t excluding someone else’s awesomeness, nor in competition with it. When someone sees that, and acknowledges it, I feel appreciated for who I am, and not forced to change to be around them, which is very difficult for me.

I feel invisible and unappreciated when…

My opinion is ignored. When I try to explain myself and my feelings and actions and the other looks at me with suspicion. When I express myself and that expression is invalidated. When I make an effort and it isn’t even acknowledged. When I’m judged through a lens that shouldn’t be applied to me. That saying about fish climbing trees is perfect, in my opinion. It speaks to the uniqueness of individuals.

I also despise being manipulated, or avoided. Ignored. Dismissed. Mostly because I work my hardest not to do this to others.

Sometimes I withhold expressions of appreciation when…

I feel as though the other doesn’t appreciate me either. When I feel like I’ve done far far far more for them than they have for me, without any effort or appreciation returned.

The good news about allowing you to feel invisible and unappreciated is…

I am being true to myself. I am putting myself first. I am claiming what is due, and what I deserve. I know this, but it feels selfish saying it. But I’ve been working to listen to myself and act in self-interest instead of putting others first. You may feel like I am putting you last, but that’s not it at all. I’m reclaiming my confidence.

By causing you to wonder if I really love you I…

Am likely exploring whether or not I do…and helping you reevaluate if YOU do. I am being true to whatever feelings I have at that time, and not giving more than I should to make you comfortable when I’m not.

If I were more willing to let you know how much you mean to me I’d…and you’d…

I’d tell you what I really think and how I really feel. No holds barred. And you’d acknowledge those feelings, and respond in kind.

What I love and appreciate about you is…

Your unique combination of awesomeness and potential and capacity for love…every single person. I believe in the good in people, except for a very select few. People closest to me are confident in themselves when they’re with me, because I see them. I see them. And I don’t judge. I acknowledge that they are beautiful in their own right, whether or not they are compatible with me.