14: “不如這樣”: an Eason song that reminds me of happy times

不如這樣’s a bittersweet song that mourns the fact that nothing can ever be the same. It is a bittersweet song for me in a way other than the lyrics, though.

This album came out in 2001, which is the apex of a once-important relationship in my life. I was pretty sure around July of that year that everything was right with the world, I had found someone I would love for the rest of my life, and that I was firmly on The Path I wanted my life to take.

I was dirt-poor, but in college, learning to be a teacher and help people communicate, to help people realize their ambitions. I was idealistic, and though I had gone through some serious shit growing up, I was pretty sure the “bullshit” was done for and I was going to go full-steam-ahead and all signs pointed to the fact that everything would be good from here on out.

This year was a turning point for everything I thought I was. Less than a year after that my relationship would fall apart, my trust would be shattered, and I would lose the one I loved in a messy complicated manner. I would be abandoned, a “friend” would attempt to rape me, and I would leave my first dog to my ex.  I then had to cozen a disinterested and harassed family member to help me move whatever I could fit into a truck to Dallas, and come home to live with my mother, tail tucked between my legs, no job prospects, no more clear future.

It’s shocking how a song can take you back to halcyon days in just a chord. I don’t have a connection with most people I was friends with back then, and it really stings to think about it. So while the song reminds me of a happy time, i know what happened right after it, which makes those times gleam with unexpected brightness.