May 12, 2006

In May, right before Tony’s parents came to Dallas, I was frantically cleaning and preparing the house for the Family Visit. Every in-law was coming over at the same time, all staying with us, and I was understandably nervous, trying to make everything perfect. I watered my gardens to make sure they would flower appropriately, and be appropriately beautiful.

One evening while I was bringing veggies to the compost pile, I noticed water on the foundation of the house.

?????

Where did that come from?

I continued to look at the foundation of the house, thinking there was another sprinkler malfunction, or something. We hadn’t watered in days. What the hell was going on? As I continued to look, I noticed water alllll along the side of the house, along the patio, everywhere on the foundation.

I went to the water hose, pointed my maglite at it, and saw dripping. The hose hadn’t been turned off completely, a centimeter’s difference making the hose pressure rise (I have a spraying wand at the end) and leak out of the hose. I called my Mom, and keep in mind that this is about nine o’clock in the evening. She reassured me that it was OK, the foundation would dry in a day or so, don’t worry, it happens to everybody. Cool. I’ll just never forget to turn the hose off 100% again, even if it hurts my delicate hands. Whew.

So I go back in to do laundry, and my husband is still out for the evening, and I am walking across the carpet when I step on a wet spot. Now, with 5 cats, wet slobbery vomit spots are not uncommon. I thought at first that Tony had cleaned up a hairball on the carpet that afternoon, and it hadn’t dried yet. But when I looked around, I saw the hairball spot, still wet with carpet cleaner. That wasn’t this spot.

I started to step more solidly on the carpet, and realized a large area of the carpet around the television and fireplace was wet.

I picked up the beautiful new ice blue floor pillows, and they were soaking. wet. Each pillow weighed about 15 lbs. I broke out in a sweat.

I called my Mom immediately, in a panic, wondering what the hell to do. Instead of giving me advice, she said she would come right over. Never a good sign.

She came over, and we discussed going to Wal Mart to buy a shop vac to drain the water from the carpet. Water damage is a big deal in Texas because of our black mold problems. Insurance companies, mine included, pulled out of the state a few years ago, because they couldn’t deal with the claims on black mold. They came back when black mold was no longer required to be covered by insurance. And now I have a water leak.

I took Mom outside to show her the faucet. We were talking about it, how weird it is that this little thing could leak so much water when I jiggled the faucet head. Not a lot, just a little.

Then it broke off. In my hand.

Immediately the water started gushing into my wall. Fast. As much water as usually comes through the water hose was now rushing through my walls and into my home. And my TV and TiVo and expensive furniture were right on the other side of that wall.

My mother and I just looked at each other for a second, in shock.

“What do I do?”

“Turn off the water!”

Holding the faucet, “HOW?!?!?”

“I don’t KNOW!!!”

I knew I had to turn the water off, but where and how do you do that? I didn’t live in an apartment anymore, I owned this leaking structure, and it was all me. No husband, no maintenance guy, no answers.

I raced into the front yard to turn off the water thing there, the one we turned off to fix the PVC sprinkler pipe in the back yard. It hurt and was muddy and slippery in the dark, up to my shoulder in mulch and prickly holly. It was so hard to turn and impossible to see into that damp dark hole in the ground. Nothing doing, water still gushing out. Sounding like a waterfall. In my walls.

I called 911, and begged that someone please come out here, I have a broken pipe and I need help. 911 on a cell phone is different, more time consuming. They ask you where you are, which sounds crazy, but on a cellphone I could be anywhere. They tell you to calm down, the last thing you could possibly do at that point, and they don’t understand that you have to move your TV and TiVo and aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

My mother went to my neighbor’s house to ask him to help us. At 10:45 in the evening. Everything about this was stressful, embarrassing, horrifying. My poor neighbor. He came over and helped me to haul my TV stand and TiVo and other large furniture out of the way, the whole time I’m cursing a blue streak, and I hug him later, because I am so grateful for his help.

It was hell, really, taking my living room apart, filling the house with living room things with the family coming in a few days. The amount of water roaring into my walls was epic in my mind, but probably amounts only to the amount you’d water the yard with in 10 minutes. The floor was soaked all the way into the garage, into the dining room. Puddles of water made a lake of the fireplace, and everything was wet.

The fire department turned off the water all the way, and tried to clean up the lake in my living room, and help move the furniture, but it was really too much. And they were firemen, not my brothers, so they couldn’t stay long. I couldn’t believe it. I went out and had a cigarette watching the bright lights flash in the night. What now?

I called the insurance company and talked to them about my next steps. I got a plumber out the next morning to fix the bloody pipe and tell me that the damn spigot had never even been soldered on to the pipe. The fucking builders, who had in our sprinkler system joined 2 PVC pipes of the same size by stuffing one up in the other, had simply set the faucet on top of the pipe and boarded the wall up. As I was the second owner of the house, any warranties except for the foundation warranty were not applicable, and my insurance didn’t cover the repairs. ServiceMaster came out and cleaned up the carpet, and my sister and I drywalled the wall. I was not paying some idiot $1000 to do something I know I can do myself. And if I messed it up, I can still call the idiot to fix it later.

Ta da. I survived my first homeowner catastrophe. It was embarrassing to have the fire department in front of your house in the middle of the night, everybody looking out their windows, wondering, waiting for a dead body to be wheeled out, or flames to lick the roof. No one ever asked us what happened though. It was hard not having water for a while. You forget that ice, toilets, baths, dishwashing, everything depends on water. In your conscious mind you know this, but when you have to wash your hands, you go to the sink anyway and turn on the water, surprised when nothing comes out.

It was hard also to wait for a week for the carpet to dry and not be able to clean up or move furniture back while the carpet and wall dried. I was on pins and needles, working 12 hour days cleaning the house for his family. I was cleaning right up till they walked in the door, no kidding. But taking care of it myself was very cool.

And there is a moral to this story. If it’s broke, don’t jiggle it.