Scary email

Everything in parentheses is mine.

Hello. My name is (Fake Name) and I work for a company called (Rip You Off). I found your resume (at a website that hasn’t gotten you a real job, but instead lots of spam) because we are searching for reliable (and gullible egomaniacal) professionals across the (richest country in the world) who are interested in a potentially lucrative partnership (disaster) with an international (money laundering) firm.

(Rip You Off) is a leading investition (is this even a word?) company in (former Soviet Republic) and we are currently expanding our (money laundering) operations in the United States. But because of various banking and legal restrictions (a.k.a. laws), we are unable to open commercial bank accounts (because the money is illegal) in every state (because we are laundering money). As such, (Rip You Off) is recruiting partners (patsys) to conduct simple banking transactions (money removed from their accounts) on our behalf.

The process is simple (if you don’t ask any questions). If you were interested in becoming a US partner (accomplice) of (Rip You Off), you would sign an agreement (contract) that would make you an (accomplice) official financial representative of our company, able to accept invoice payments (dirty money) on our behalf. Instead of asking our American clients to conduct complicated international payment transactions (complex due to their illegal nature), which are especially complex for Finland companies (telling me this because I live in Finland, or because you think Finland is a state?), we have them work with our partners (accomplices) to submit payments. You would then forward the payments to us, a simple transaction for an individual (because we have your bank account number and plan to clean you out). (Rip You Off) pays its partners (victims) a 10% commission (hazard pay) on every (illegal) transaction. In addition, we will take care of any incremental tax liability you incur (if you can still find us after we clean out your bank account). Depending on which state you are in, and of course on how good business is, your monthly commissions could be as high as $14,000 per month (if you choose to risk your financial future with this shady deal).

If you are interested in working with us, or if you want more information, you can contact me directly at my personal email address (and get lots of span, becauyse obviously you are not savvy enough to know that we are not above board). I’ll need your full name and mailing address (!!!!!!) so I can send you the contract and other paperwork necessary to get started (laundering money for terrorists).

I look forward to hearing from you soon (I’ll just bet you do.).

This email is so scary. Imagine, anyone actually doing this? You get nothing for free in this world. Holy cow. The letter sounds very professional, but little mistakes like “Finland companies” rather than “Finnish companies” tip me off that this guy isn’t even American. Imagine, if I gave my information to someone like that. Wow.