But I have to give her 4 pills a day to keep her thyroid in working condition. Here’s how we do it…
- Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. - Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with it’s head just visible from beneath spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow pill down straw.
- Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Pry cat’s mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed by piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour water down throat to wash pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.
- Arrange for vet to make housecall.
No, but seriously, it’s damn hard, and every day I have to go through this pill ordeal just after I wake up and just before I go to bed. Mecca is a sweetheart, though, and after we are done with the pills she is her sweet self again, none too excited to sit on the toilet, but pettable in any case. She just knows what is coming when I scoop her up and plop her down on the toilet to wrestle with her and her meds. Yesterday morning while she struggled, oozing out of my grasp like a muddy pig, she smacked her little head against the corner of the countertop, BAM! and I didn’t have the heart to force three pills down her throat after that. So I let her out, get settled and relaxed and then dragged her elderly ass back into the bathroom. The Medical Torture Chamber. It’s taxing, but it’s for her own good and I am not enough of a softy to let her go med-free just because she doesn’t like it.
I finished the first version of a webpage for one of my newest clients, the Humane Animal Hospital, Mecca’s doctor in fact. It appears that the doctor has had difficulties with his webpage services previously, and after a ghastly trip to the cleaners, the doctor was wary of contracting out. So I had to deliver and deliver well. With the money I earned from the deposit, I bought Quickbooks, my new trip into Confusing Software Land. I mistakenly thought that I would be able to slip into Quickbooks like I did Excel and Powerpoint, and the myriad other computer programs I have learned.
Ha. Ha.
I think I’m gonna need to take a class in this, for real…
