Goings on

I am stressing myself out for no reason, likely, but I am worried about changing webhosts. Not because I have a problem with my current host but because, dude, I am getting RIPPED OFF. I didn’t know this, until I started doing research for my new company, and now I’m going…mmmm, OK, I am getting ripped off.

Do I care? I mean, OK, I am paying 3x as much as I should be for what I am getting, but what I have seems to be working just fine for me at this time. I don’t need all the other stuff that the other web provider is offering. But I would be paying less for more. Thinking about it, because I don’t want a service interruption, I don’t want to have to change all of my settings on oh, everything I use to access my websites and email. But 1/3 the price…? Tempting.

What is the value of convenience? Knowing that I know now that I could get it better, do I stay with this company that is politely screwing me, because, well, I admit it, I didn’t do research before I signed up, I just did it. Or will I change? Will I succumb to the lulling music of knowing where everything is and how to get to it…? I hate moving. I can think of at least 10 things that would have to change, multiple settings that would have to be dealt with. Am I ready for that? Nope. Maybe if I call to cancel my hosting then the company I am hosting with will say, “Oh, we’ll give you that, no problemo.” And then they’ll give me those winning lottery numbers.

Poop.

So if this journal isn’t here for a while, or my email doesn’t work for a while, you know why.

OK, so another thing. I don’t plan to be ctjie forever. Should I just dispose of that whole domain? But what about all of my emails? Everybody has my ctjie email. Should I eliminate it and just stick with the goldfish one? AAAAGH! I will never again get a domain based on my name.

So I was stressed, am stressing about this stuff, and then I watched this cat video. This video makes me laugh my butt off every time. It’s hysterical. It makes me think of Kiki, undergoing surgery at this very moment.

Poor kitty. I wish I could explain it to her. It’s gonna sound pretty fucked up, though, explaining it to her, “Well, Mommy and Daddy love you very much, so in order to have a good life with you we need to take your fingernails off.” It’s not something I regret with my own cats, and really, it is so much easier to deal with a 50% less lethal hairball. So much easier. But I always go through this when the cat is actually going through it, this anxiety and regret and worry and inner pain. Because there is a part of me that thinks it’s barbaric. A sliver of me that thinks it’s wrong.

Whew, I said it. I admitted it. Part of me hates declawing cats. When Big Kitty was alive, and the world was not a good place for me to live in, my worthless ex-stepfather had Kitty’s back claws removed, mangling my kitty. Poor Kitty was completely defenseless.

There is a difference in that declawing. That second act was revenge for scratching the windowsills of his majesty’s house. Kitty had already had his claws in the front removed, par for the course with many American cat owners. But removing the back claws was a vicious, selfish, degrading act, like permanently pinning Big Kitty’s paws behind his back, the ultimate in control.

I remember coming home from elementary school, worried about my post-op kitty, to find bloody pawprints through the house, up, up, up to the bathroom on the second floor, my Kitty under the sink in a puddle of red from his wounds, suffering in his big pleading green eyes. I carried him all the way to the vet under my coat, in the drizzling rain, crying, afraid my kitty would die. He was fine, the doctor said, and would be better in a while, once he had recovered from the blood loss. He was just too old to be undergoing such a surgery. That surgery was not recommended at all, much less for adult cats.

So a little part of me still aches for Kitty, my old boy, my first baby. I feel shame in my heart, just a little bit. But I am not my stepfather. I am not a wifebeater, an abuser of all living things. There was nothing I could have done to stop him, I was just a kid.

Declawing isn’t a bad thing when done for the right reasons. It’s not like murder, which is always a bad idea. I do truly love my kitties. It is better for all of us that she undergo this short period of uncertainty, with pain that’s knocked out by the pain patch we ordered for her as surely as I was after my wisdom tooth removal. This kitty won’t hurt. Not this time.

Note: Maybe I will just use that new registrar for my business website, keep it all separate for tax purposes. Hmm.