A Small, Humble PrayerPosted by on

Not being a praying type of gal, I don’t do this a lot. But I think a letter of Thanks is in order for the blessings in my life recently. In no particular order…

Mushy squshy lovey dovey eternal thanks for Tony. My angel. A man who will hold a Wal-Mart bag full of vomit and say, “Wow, I’m glad this bag doesn’t have any holes in it!” instead of “This is sooooo disgusting”. That is love. Also, the turning on and off of lights, the injunctions to floss my teefers, the vaccuumed living room, the neatly sliced apples, the cherry Craisins, the post-its dashed off every so often, flowers when I don’t expect them, the constant support and morale boost of an omnipresent love. Thank you, life, for Tony.

Thank you, life, for the opportunity and the insurance just long enough to take out my wisdom teeth. Thank you for serious drugs that make me go lalalala when said teeth are being removed. Thank you for a strong constitution that says, “Infection?!? We don’t need no stinkin’ infection!!!” Thank you life for the fact that I willl never again have to take out any more wisdom teeth. Thank you for three, not four wisdom teeth.

Thank you for beautiful, balmy Texas spring weather.

Thank you for my new job. Thank you for sweet 3-year old Chinese babies learning colors and shapes, and forty-year old students of film who let me expound on the difference between “fucking” and “screwing” and “frigging”.

Thank you for India, my beautiful black leather-interiored car. A car that does not stall at every stop light, has air conditioning at the touch of a button and a sunroof!!!

Thank you for my boobs, coz without them to balance out this ass, I’d be up shit creek.

Thank you for kitty feet. Soft little kitty feet. I know that sounds random, but I love kitty feet. I marvel at their tiny delicate bones, and I love the way they’re all fuzzy and dainty and that they knead my tummy/arm/the couch/anything or nothing in sight at the pleasure of a mama-touch.

I felt like I needed to say thank you for a few things because I have been feeling really down on myself lately. My students think I am a wonderful teacher, but I only see my flaws, the things I can’t teach them. I can color pretty pictures, but I can’t do anything with them. I can make this journal unique and cool and functional and accessible, but I can’t get a job doing it for anyone else. I can design and create and make, but no one will pay me for what I can design. There are so many dreams I cannot attain. I am stuck in this me-ness, and it’s about damn time that I think I am cool, because if I don’t, the rest of this life is going to suck.

I have always been an over-achiever. I graduated, so now what? I got this award, that goal accomplished…now what? I have to always look ahead, and right now, on a subsistence-level income, there is no goal. Open my own web design business? Sure, yeah, well, I don’t know how to get my clients hosting other than how I got it, and I don’t know how to run a business. I can’t do it. I can’t build a shopping cart. I can barely use CSS styles. I don’t know how to do anything but design, and all of that I taught myself. I don’t know where to go or where to begin or even who to ask where to go. I hooked up with a company here in Plano who worked for Satan, and I thought, “This is my in. This is how it will start. I can do this.” Then he dicks me over, doesn’t pay me for months, and gives my project to someone else without telling me. He was condescending, and God, I should have known that anyone connected with Satan should be tainted.

So it wasn’t my in. It was another lesson in getting screwed at work. It appears this desire to change careers will be unfulfilled, not just because it’s a bad job market, but because, I have a sneaking suspicion, I simply am not meant to do it. There is some fatal flaw in me, some damn reason there simply is no door for opportunity to knock on. I am starting to realize this. And I just want fate to know that I accept this. Not with a heavy heart, but with a numb heart.

It is not going to happen, and that’s that. But I still have my health, I have kitty feet, I have Tony…I am blessed regardless.

Journal

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(∩`-´)⊃━ ☆゚.*・。゚존나게 사랑해 • If the bass drops in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, is it still off the chain?

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