Got me on my knees…Posted by on

With a broken heart, I watched the advertisement for the final episodes of Sex and the City. It’s not like I couldn’t watch the DVDs until they wore to nothing, but I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because I feel like I am losing friends in this, the end of the final season. The end of Friends is going to make me cry, but Hell, at least I’ll still have ER and West Wing. But the end of Sex and the City…that’s different.

Those women are my friends, like the best LTFs (long-term friends), they know if I didn’t watch them last Sunday that it’s not because I don’t love them. It’s because I was busy. But tonight, I settled down with a lap full of 99 and saw my friends ageing, making enormous mistakes, fighting because of differences of opinion, yet still knowing that there’s love there. I have fought with Adeline like that before, and stopped talking to her for a while, but in the end, we’re always there for each other, and when we’re together, years apart, it’s like there was no yesterday, and we were always together. I am scared for Carrie, because I have put my life on hold for someone before, lived his life. And while it got me an MA, it also got me in a lot of debt, a few years behind in the career path I wanted to take, and yet it also got me 99 and Tay. But I also lost Layla. So it was a draw. Would my life have been better had I not taken that road? I always try to tell myself that it was the right decision at the time, no regrets, pick yourself up and move on…

But anyway, back to Carrie. I felt a brief (oh, who am I kidding, inside I still feel a…) horror that I will never know what happens to her. I will never know if it is a mistake. I will never know if Sam is going to be OK, and Charlotte ever has her baby and…I feel Miranda’s visceral fear that Carrie will go away and leave her forever, move to Malaysia, or Korea, oops, I mean Paris, and the best friend she had ever had was gone. I have been there.

These women remind me of what I do not have here, friends, when friends used to be my stability, my distraction, my support. It is dangerous to lean on one person too much, yourself included. People are like tents. Tents can stand on one post, certainly. But the more posts a tent has, the better, the more beautiful… Like brilliant, colorful circus tents are people surrounded by friends, inestimably strengthened. I miss being a circus tent. In my current incarnation I have very few posts, and if those are gone…

Desolate, actually, I feel. Abandoned by a TV show. Drawn in by clever characters and the massed brilliance of story teams and creators and…artifice. But that is what the best entertainment is about, not art, but about feeling, making us see things in ourselves and in our lives, drawing paralells…

I know it’s just a TV show. But it means something to me. And it reminds me of those few few girlfriends I have had, that companionship that I envy in every other female group of friends that I see from my spot out here in the snow…

Journal

StealingsandView all posts

(∩`-´)⊃━ ☆゚.*・。゚존나게 사랑해 • If the bass drops in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, is it still off the chain?

Comments are disabled.