I wasted an entire weekend shopping and running around and stuff. I avoided going to another uncomfortable friend’s family thing. All of Tony’s friends are getting married, and they are having traditional Vietnamese meeting/wedding party/engagement celebrations. Which is great, I mean, I wish my fmaily woul ddo something like that for me and my kids, but no one even comes if they’re invited, so…pfft on that. And I don’t really know these people at all, and it feels intrusive, me showing up at an intimate family gathering like that, like I was crashing the party. So I up and told Tony this weekend I wasn’t going. I half expected him to protest, but he didn’t so yay! I got to spend the day buying gifts for everybody for Christmas. I hope they like what they got. Ugh, no, I know they’ll like what I got. I’m just always afraid it isn’t enough. Coz if I buy you a gift, you will be damned sure I love you to pieces. I went a bit overboard on Mama this year, but she deserves it, really, so…no biggie, I think.

I went through a lot of stuff in the garage yesterday, and I wish I could take it with me, but I can’t. I am going to pay Mama for storage since I am moving in with Tony soon. It’s the right thing to do, I can’t wait, I am just…hesitant. I don’t know why. I practically live there anyway. I just don’t want to mush him in with all my stuff, and I want to make sure I have all of my stuff, but I will pay Mama anyway.

I know what it is. It’s the fact that I have no control over my life right now. I feel like a leaf out in a field, tangled in the windy grass, then flying up up into the air with no weight, nothing to hang on to, fluttering, flipped this way, that way, everywhere, then settling down to–nope, flit-flying away again. I am applying for a job I have a 25% chance of getting, and am discouraged, I am certain I will get fired from my current job, or forced to quit through harassment, but I won’t quit, not yet, because I need the money. Why throw away money? But why live miserable?

I feel like I am under a huge weight suspended over my head, and I am just praying the chains don’t break. I want to carry my weight. I want to be able to pay for my car when it breaks. I would like to be able to make a car payment if I need a new car. My car is dying, I know she is. I want to pay the rent and the bills and the food with Tony. I hope I can. I wish I wasn’t so miserably desperate.