Forever ago I was here…

It has almost been a month since I wrote in this thing, and trust me, I feel guilty about it, I really do. But I am too tired most of the time to care. And there’s no internet connection at Tony’s place. Strange, no? But he’s happy without a computer and so…since I am happy there and there’s no computer, and I can’t do this at work without looking down the handle of an axe, I have to squeeze blog time into whatever time I have left after working on websites for money.

Went to the courthouse this morning and tried to get a divorce. But I can’t. Not yet. They lied at the courthouse, but hey, they don’t give legal advice, right? I have to wait until February 2004. But I want it now. I want Tony to be my one and only, and to remove any ties to that bastard that I can. I guess I should hire a lawyer. I don’t want to, because I need to move out, too. But I want to move away from the tail-chasing fears and broaden my persepctive. I need to live more, I guess, and get my head out of my ass. I just can’t think clearly here. I am so much happier at Tony’s house.

Well, Mama bought a new couch and loveseat and chair today. And I bought my own Christmas present. Isn’t that cool? Kind of. Well, no, actually, it is so not cool. But it is functional. Well, I wanted it, the Liz Claiborne coat from Ross, and it’s woolly and chocolatey brown, and…I just feel cheated. One less present to open and be surprised with. This happens every year. She asked me to choose earlier between a copper mixer and everythign else I wanted. Well, now that I have this coat, I know what I am not getting. Oh well.

I know what I really want for Christmas, and I am not likely to get it anytime soon, so I should hide my hopes. Who’s going to intuit this deep wish and grant it for me? No one can make it happen, though. I know what I want but no one can do anything for me. So I should just do it myself.

Paid off some plastic recently, and I am going to cancel it, and it is a relief, but I still have more plastic. I hate David. I hate myself for trusting him and thinking he would always be there for me and I hate myself for being scared of losing Tony the same way I lost David. I live in fear sometimes, and then I see his smile, and *poof*, the fear’s gone. Home is in Tony’s arms.

Why didn’t I move in with him?!?!? I regret that so much. I let my fears for Tony’s love get in the way. Now every day I regret my decision. But it was the right thing, right? Be strong, get your own place, be independent, it’s too soon, blahblahblah… I guess I should just move my damn self out, huh? On my way home tonight I was thinking, What’s so wrong with depending on people? What’s wrong about needing someone and wanting to be with him? Well, what’s wrong, now that I think about it, is losing him, duh. But I won’t lose Tony, right? Or, at least, I will do everything in my power not to lose him.

I wanna smoke. Marlboro sent me a lighter for my birthday. A sucky lighter, definitely not a Zippo even. But a remnder nonetheless. I didn’t have canker-sores when I smoked. I didn’t have ulcers and stuff when I smoked. I wanna smoke. Help me be strong!!! OK, so I don’t wanna smoke, I just wanna be pain and canker-sore free. And that happened with cigrettes.

I miss Heather. I always do this to myself. I figure out a reason a friendship wouldn’t or shouldn’t work, and I kill it. I let it die on the vine. But I miss her. I read her blog today, all of it, from when I stepped out of her life until today. And I want to write her an email to comfort her and let her know I am here, that I care. But she’s got so many friends, and I don’t want to compete, and she lives so far away and she’s friends with my ex, and I don’t even have time for my family…well, you can see how I get about this stuff. But her blog is a comfort. I miss her. I pray for her prosperity. And her idiot godfreak ex co-worker is wrong. She deserves a baby more than anyone I know.

Re: job sucking: A bird in the hand. Seriously.